“Why should random chance, ‘rigged history’ or blundering mapmakers,” gushed Boss Trump, “impede American greatness”?
Forget about commandeering Canada or Greenland, though invasions of Mexico or the Americas are not out of the question. On top of wanting to buy, bully or dominate what belongs to others – Canada, Greenland, the Panama Canal, and/or Mexico – Trump at his latest stream of consciousness gig asserted that America’s hegemony should never be stifled by geography, mere historic “anomalies” or random population vagaries.
“If we truly want America great again,” he blurted out, “we must leverage our world-class military power to serve stability and world peace. Otherwise, our trillions spent for military superiority would be squandered. What birdbrain would waste today’s special opportunities that will last only as long as I reign. Hell, when or if I am denied a third term, don’t expect any hack, faithless Democrat to have a clue how to save us.”
According to the president-elect, indemnified Trump, Inc. could efficiently close the deal with Israel without complications, and soon the Mideast mess, “insolvable by anyone else, would be over in a New York minute.” Trump, Inc. would transfer ownership to the U.S., with a modest carrying charge. “Most Israelis are from America anyway,” he said, with scorn, “think of the instant advantages to our new state; we’d lock in both peace in our time and permanent, defensible borders. After all, what terrorist group would be so stupid to openly attack the American empire, inviting mass devastation ten times worse than what Israel inflicted on Gaza. What’s the old phrase, bombing them back to the stone age?”
To pay for what may be a formidable Israeli price, Trump looks to sell Ukraine to recoup. For this nervy, ultimateTrump deal, America would pick up a “pretty penny” from “my pal Vladimir. And all we’d do is forgo any more resistance to the justified Russian takeover,” adding, “so not only do we get Russian payments to cover our Israel deal, we save tens of billions each year otherwise wasted by trying to protect a rogue Russian state.” By this scheme, Russian control would instantly settle centuries-long Ukrainian border disputes. Trump: “Who else is there to attack them? So we take in billions, could be in oil or vodka or precious Ukrainian ores, resources and grasslands.” Trump explained that Ukraine, with 27 times the land mass vs. Israel, represents a bargain for Russia, ever hunting profitable landscapes where so many Russians live.”
Thus presenting himself as a double peacemaker, Trump figures that miraculously stopping two wars in their tracks, during his first 90 days, would justify “a pair of Nobel peace prizes, one for each war stopped. Right, one more than the slippery Obama.” Renown are Israel’s high-tech assets, he added, “a dedicated workforce, good at handling money, as everyone knows about Jews, the ideal business partner.” Plus, “peace would let Netanyahu focus on overturning all those fake, unfair indictments, like the ones I defeated, a rebuke to outdated losers who can’t stand changes by truly visionary pioneers.”
Devil in the details?
Explaining how the exchange will work, “all we need are a few credits from Israel for countless billions in American subsidies since 1950, then throw in a sweetener to close the deal. Think how valuable to these freedom fighters to have guaranteed, secured borders, maybe doubling its national value. Only backward Israelis would object. We could use Israel as a haven for all those millions of wetbacks I plan to deport. Jews know how to get underlings to work. All part of my massive new global development plans, here and abroad, an update of America’s Manifest Destiny. Pain is gain as more Israeli Americans reset the ratio of westerners vs. whatever the hell the Palestinians are. Time to shore up Israeli democratic credence.”
The big picture benefits to a neat Israeli-Ukraine exchange strike Trump as golden. Consider the limitless war funding Russia and the Arabs avoid by simply having Mideast peace for years to come. “Maybe we can’t stop the historic tension between Iran, Iraq, and religious extremists,” Trump added,”but at least we can help stop funneling money to Hamas terrorists out to drive Israel into the sea. If the state of Israel gained full U.S. sovereignty, that would damp down a slew of bigoted anti-Israeli enemies.”
The same would be true, per this logic, on Ukraine: “if we took in half of what Russia spends on its Ukrainian conquest in two years, all sides would save billions. Maybe Russia can even buy our expensive weapons in Ukraine, saving us millions on reverse transit. Sure, the big defense vendors will squawk at reduced weapons funding, but they’ve made a mint for the last years. Pacify them with tax credits. No more nonsense about “Jewish genocide” for here’s the best friggin’ deal for world peace I’ve ever heard.”
Trump concluded he saw not one downside for any participants except for whining Ukrainians. He tabulated scads of new restoration jobs and profit centers, contracts in the billions, demand for construction companies, agents, shippers and building material suppliers. “Imagine the concrete, steel and infrastructure necessary for rebuilding both Gaza and Ukraine. That’s going to take hundreds of billions and decades – and we can then have the US prime the pump with tax credits or grants to grease the wheels. Is this genius or what?”
The first domino of many to fall
After completing this opening round of deal-making, the US can start upping the pressure on Canada or the Canal, even Greenland. “Everything and everyone has his price and so do countries when you start bargaining. If Panama gets ornery, demanding an exorbitant price, a few hundred marines landing from helicopters will settle the issue. Really, what pipsqueak country ever takes on the US of A, and didn’t we pay for and build the Canal? We finished a tough building project, terrible jungles – then gave it all to Panama.”
Topping off his peculiar read of past Panama history, he asked, “Who was in charge when that stupid handover happened? Who gives up revenue-producing assets, a gold mine as solid as Ft. Knox, with the best toll monopoly in the world? Why not then inflate prices for foreign enemies capitalizing on decades of our overly generous trade policies? Then we lower the price for friends and stiff competitors like China.”
That comeuppance, he proclaimed, reminds the world what friendship with America is worth in hard cash. “Smart businessmen with leverage must maximize prices,” he summed up, “Sure, there’s gonna be quacking by treasonous Democrats about betraying our sacred word, but trust me, that was so long ago. No one takes arms to protect Panama’s billions in unfair trade from our Canal. Really, and what other southern sh-t-hole place roars against the mightiest lion on earth? This plan will work and help everyone., except maybe thieving Panama.” After that, to follow this latest swell of American imperialism, the sky’s the limit, on to Canada, Greenland, Iceland, hunks of South America – and who knows where else. I know, lots of tariffs to complete the trifecta.
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