Fiercely defending the take-no-prisoners Trump movement, VP Mike Pence declared, “Not only will I refuse to participate in a 25th Amendment takeover, I adamantly oppose any impeachment or resignation pressure against this bold, duly-elected president on the brink of greatness.” Then he said, “Thanks to our brilliant Cabinet and fearless, well-oiled White House, both of which were not imaginable until they happened, by New Year’s Day we’ll be ready to proclaim, ‘America is great again.’”
Apparently, Pence’s message is intended to thwart the surging majority opposition, half of whom already think Trump’s campaign committed crimes. Thus the VP continued, ”Could anyone else do what Donald does, every day, every tweet, if he weren’t truly a uniquely dominant leader? Certainly not me? Or Leader McConnell or Speaker Ryan.”
Unsurprisingly, Pence casts the November election as the most significant event in American history, manifest evidence of divine intervention to save the country from vice and wickedness, if not Democrats, liberals, and the special prosecutor. “Nothing so uplifting could happened,” he explained, “without the Almighty making his presence known. It’s right out of Revelations, disrupting the evil status quo with inspired, righteous chaos. Not Putin, not a thousand Russian hackers could by themselves bring off this earth-changing redemption. To challenge our sanctity and mission is akin to questioning higher powers.”
God picks winners
Pence thus assailed all calls for impeachment or resignation as no more than obstructionist plots by ruthless Trump enemies: “these losers are frankly jealous as none could have notched so many spectacular wins in only nine months.” Still the humble small-towner, the VP embraces his second fiddle role, “Believe me, I am blessed, a pawn of fortune, for my high position. I couldn’t clean out the D.C swamp or sewer or barn in a month the way Trump does daily with such well-crafted tweets. Who knew this TV star was such a savvy, gifted communicator?”
A little defensively, Pence then cited “millions of patriotic, Trump-loving Americans who would crucify any Republican, including me, who joined the anti-Trump faction, let alone drove this president from office.” He cautioned with near “Biblical certainty” any party politician “signs his own death warrant by joining dump Trump stunts; look at senators Flake and Corker, good men suddenly brought down, unelectable, just for questioning our competence and good faith.”
“Look,” the VP continues, “every moment President Trump displays there’s no limit to what he can do, shouldering huge personal risks. I marvel at his stability under pressure plus his remarkable willingness to instantly disregard all those unworkable, premature campaign promises. I challenge the patriotism of supposed cable TV mavens who distort this administration as shunning foreigners and minorities, favoring torture, practicing nuclear saber-rattling, or threatening the free press. The worst of all crassly dread our administration bottom line is ‘if it isn’t good for Trump Towers, it must not be good for America.’ What reckless desperadoes, what wicked fake news!”
Impeachment: self-fulfilling prophesy?
Pence wasn’t done, “I come before you today to warn that if enough Trump haters keep yelling impeachment, that could become a terrible, self-fulfilling prophesy. Gullible supporters might be swayed by the torrent of media slanders. Name one law we’ve broken, proven by any court or jury? Not on immigration or travel bans. Really, doesn’t last week’s terror attack dramatize what we hardly need any new invading Muslim bombers. We have more than our share of homemade nut cases causing domestic mayhem. Putting up walls and banning foreigners – that’s how to keep evil at bay, where our drones and missiles can apply capital punishment without any cheap shots.”
“Further, where’s any hard proof on alleged Trump/Russian collusion, let alone that libelous absurdity, obstruction of justice. This president revers justice, real justice, not “media” malarky on justice. Really, could this novice president, without a glimmer of legal or Constitutional expertise, impede the touted, suspect Mueller inquiry? Who should real, heartland patriots believe: our ‘tell like it is’ president or some obscure campaign pipsqueak with a long foreign name, stirring up trouble with rogue emails?”
And then real emotion infused Mr. Pence’s finale, “What other world leader oozing with charisma could in 140 characters unearth so many entrenched forces. All the while solely producing millions of new jobs and battling for middle-class-saving tax reform. Let’s all stand against anti-American Fifth Columnists who jeopardize our prestige and standing, of late fallen to laughingstock status, by fabricating preposterous crimes and misdemeanors. That’s why real Americans are instead endorsing one more presidential visage on Mount Rushmore. I only hope President Trump’s unique genius rubs off on me before I take over in 2024, if not, God willing, before.”
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