No force defending Trump’s tower of babble matches this knockout punch: dominance after high risk, magnified when worldly success confirms his matchless combat instincts. The GOP’s presumptuous nominee glories when chagrined losers are dragged off, blooded and exiled by the heavyweight champion of the media world. Because ordinary odds never apply to this once-a-generation figure, Trump’s ultimate scam promotes his own epic heroism, itching to crown destined, if never quite realized greatness.
“If it ain’t broke, why fix it?” booms the buoyant victor’s mantra. Why deviate from a juggernaut that decimates loser mediocrities? That’s why the Donald, taking on all comers, acts like the presidency is in the bag. If the incensed hoi polloi want magic, carnival tricks and sensationalism, no con man sabotages the game as suckers reach for their wallets. Imagine the devastating force were Trump to turn policy wonk, detailing how thousand-mile walls get built, or end-stop all desperate immigrants, how presidents magically create top jobs, or how any power exports more undocumented workers than populate Ohio or Georgia?
His befuddled primary support would rush for the exits were verifiable facts sliced into the huckster’s mirage. Does not Trump’s entertainment extravaganza demand ever more stagy, outlandish bellowing? In short, disruptive excesses loom and, for our own mental health, let’s take Trumpery to its “logical” ends. Can we fully understand Trumpism in all its imminence without imagining his first State of the Union?
President Trump Addresses Congress:
“In my first weeks, President Trump will show the world my super-power creds by executing the ever-reliable Trump Unpredictability Principle (TUP) — how about a hundred potent drones crushing some especially annoying, terrorist haven. No, not in England or France as we own too much land there. I can’t tell you which one now ’cause that’s stupid, telegraphing the punch. But trust me, this Trump punch will rewrite all shock and awe records– plus banish any fiction I’m just a pretty, red face. Of course that means rattling wimpy allies dissing me as a stupid racist who hates foreigners. Those who know me realize I am so much more, so much more. Some of my best friends . . . oh, never mind.
“Really, everyone knows America got great by crushing weaklings, for centuries aptly equating dominance with greatness. There is, I’m telling you, only one king at a time. Believe me, the world is no more complex than my heavyweight wrestling matches: the ruthless winner seizes the big prize, all others are sent packing. Our president commander-in-chief, by the way, just gives orders, and trust me: soldiers will do my bidding or “You’re fired” will echo across the Pentagon. And you bet I’ll look as presidential as hell, more impressive than both Bushes put together. Like that misunderstood war hero, George Patton, by the way never imprisoned by any enemy, I am targeting menaces far and wide, hitting them with all we’ve got, even our biggest guns, then clean up loose ends after total surrender. My opening ka-boom will resound across the ages, testimony to my virility.
Fix Democracy by Fixing Voting Rights
“Second, or third, whatever: on the domestic war front, what’s wrong with America comes down to what’s wrong with our terrible democracy. And that, my true fellow Americans, is about terrible, disgusting voting patterns. And that’s because the wrong people have voted for the wrong officials. How else to explain why such blithering dunderheads ever ran our appalling government? To solve this mess, President Trump authorizes a total movement to re-register all voters. That deletes socialist subversives, criminal protestors, anti-gun zealots and immigrant bomb-throwers — the terrible opposition that keeps America from becoming great again — and again and again.
“It’s not like the Almighty, the only force greater than Donald J. Trump, told Moses, one of those old prophet guys, “Thou shall give the vote to every adult.” Where’s that commandment? Look at total retards we already ban, or should: felons, inmates, children, drunks, all sorts of crazy people, drug addicts, people older than crazy Bernie, and undocumented invaders. As we learn the hard way with immigration, not enforcing hard-assed rules means mayhem. I welcome the insistence from the Trump Voting Change Commission on meaningful thresholds, like spelling my whole name. Or the precise order of the Bill of Rights, who fought the Civil War. Being born in the USA is good, but we need more to verify true all-Americans who deserve the right to decide the future.
“So, doesn’t it make sense only solid patriots with solid jobs and/or property deserve citizenship? After all, hardworking men built what really counts, America’s GNP. So why not have bottom-line, great voting standards? No stable country prospers without honoring those with skin in the game, especially older white guys who first made us great. When you think about it, what’s wrong with literally reviving that permanent first truth, “all men are created equal,” even that once sacred, one-white man, one vote standard? Everyone else, especially unmarried women itching for abortions, will need references from two men, plus confirmation of not being pregnant.
Federalism First, Then Party Purges
“After fixing today’s voting, we deal with the Republican Party, hitting bottom until I took over management. Too many nutcases fussing over ideology. Without me, those D.C. party know-it-alls wouldn’t have won the White House in a coon’s age. Look, we already know the undemocratic Electoral College is rigged against us conservatives. Were it not for the 2000 Supreme Court, that environmental chicken little Al Gore would have been president. For eight, freaking years. My miraculous breakthroughs prove both political parties and deviant popular votes need, let us say, intervention at times by top-class, all-knowing leaders.
“So, all the more reason I hereby declare any Republican who did not vote for the party’s nominee, me, is drummed out of the party, post haste. Keep their donations, just don’t let them screw with national salvation. Like any profitable enterprise, Trump Towers or Russia or the mafia, either you’re a team player or you’re out. Trust me, that’s why I look down on disloyal war prisoners. Republican traitors, even former presidents going AWOL, can find another bar. By the way, I know for a fact unrepentant opponents of Donald J. Trump have unsavory connections. Take a memo: sic the FBI, the CIA and the IRS on NeverTrump types.
“Now we come to the backward Supreme Court. Since my winning coat-tails gained Republican 60% control of the Senate, time for necessary changes. We’ve been stuck with nine justices for ever so long, while populations soared. Sounds like taxation without representation to me. Clearly, we won’t get my Trump Saves America™ plan through until good guys dominate all three branches. Otherwise, my great proposals will be sliced and diced by old codgers, each one a sneaky, entitled shyster with a lifetime appointment. What world-class corporation makes fixed, lifetime appointments, making kaput my two favorite words, “You’re fired.” After all, it’s not like the Constitution I am finally getting around to read insists nine is some holy number; 15 sounds good to me, and scheduled on my first-year agenda. Loyal fans, you want a Trump guarantee or what?
Say What: Two-term Genius Limit?
“Finally, in honor of the historic election of Donald J. Trump, we must amend that ridiculous, anti-progress two-term White House limit. What corporate winner, or for that matter standout military, religious or real estate tycoon, arbitrarily axes still the perfect president? Eight years won’t be enough even for a wizard to fix the decades corrupted by stupid, political shills. If the most glorious leader cannot stay until the job gets done, easily 20 years, trust me: America won’t regain greatness. Look, I know what I am talking about, true for reality TV, pro wrestling or what elitists call “governance.”
“Bravo! Good news that a broken system was smart enough to elect me, the first, monumental step. But what a horrible, historic missed chance if trivial roadblocks defy our manifest destiny: “Make America Great the Trump Way”©™! Follow my opening terrific lead, and I guarantee the U.S. will be Number One before you know it. Start counting your winnings. Well, unless you’re a minority, illegal or foreign insurgent. Greatness looms, like the future, but only if the entire country insists President Trump be in charge of this epic, world-class opportunity.
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